Afternoon of Despair
by jessa faerie
Summary: THis is a Harry Potter oneshoter. It's Hallowe'en of his 6th year during HBP and he's reflecting. He mourns never knowing his family.


**A/N: Harry potter story, one shoter, not long, didn't mean to make him sound like a big whinny baby, but I did, so sorry. Review Please and tell me what you think. Apologies for the distant updating. Read my profile to find out why. **

_Afternoon of Despair_

It's Hallowe'en, the anniversary of my parents death, and I'm alone in the airy dormitory, peering out of the windows to the congested grounds below me. The students of Hogwarts are outside and having a great time in the crisp autumn air. A few leaves trickle to the base of their trees or are swept away by the drafts of air that rattle their branches. Most of my peers have both or al least one of their parents and not a care in the world. Dreadful, fear instating prophecies weren't foretold about them or their death. I've been contemplating life lately. My life, and the life of others.

Why? Why me? Why did it all happen this way? Just…why?

No matter how I try, I can't help but feel…lonely, despite my friends and those in the order, which in itself is rapidly deteriorating. It's just not the same. What if mum and dad were here? What if during the holidays I received a gift or a letter, or if had someone to go home to if I wanted to. What if I could look forward to the summer holidays with my parents? Just…to be…home…with them. Life is so inconceivably complicated.

When I think back to the…I guess "pre-Hogwarts years," I find it ironic, that I'm still fighting to stay alive… for just one more day. To figure things out, for just one more day. That's all I ask for. I have and incredibly heavy burden on my chest. I have been enlightened upon the fact that I must kill the most horrendously evil wizard of all time, or die trying. Or get others, people I love, killed instead. I have a feeling that I will learn a lot this year, yet feel even more lost, and even more uneducated and unqualified to handle the task that has been set before me. I have a bad feeling about this year as well. A betrayal, or a difficult task…I don't understand it all. I don't know. Maybe Trelawney is getting to me. _(smirking inwardly)_

Perhaps I know nothing and I just think I do. Suppose my entire world is an illusion, a dream, a fantasy. Suppose all these people, and all of my friends don't exist, mere figments of a young tortured adolescent's muddled mind. _There's_ something to think about. My friends are always here for me, the mean a lot to me, which is why I sometimes don't _want_ them there for me.

I'm 16 years old for Merlin's sake! I don't need this. I feel like I have one purpose, and that is to inevitably die, and abandon the world to the hands of Voldemort. The slight touch that he has already impressed upon our world and the muggle world had affected me deeply. He has inflicted mental and physical pain to many. Too many.

My love life, or rather my non-love life has taken a beating. I've resigned myself to the fact that I care a lot about Ginny but for now I can't do anything about it, so I can comfortably place that in the back of my mind.

Would I feel this heavy burden if my parents were alive? Could they even help me? Would I even be in this situation? What if Voldemort had never found out about the prophecy?

I have too may doubts…regrets…questions. But it is said that everything happens for a reason. And what bloody reason was that? It's not fair dammit! It's not! I do not want to seem weak-minded or helpless but I cannot prevent these feelings or cease my bitter malice towards Voldemort. I cannot see myself succeeding, but I have to try. I am determined to try. Dumbledore and I talk, and I'm learning more about Voldemort's beginnings and weaknesses etcetera.

During one of our long discussions in his office he told me, "There will come a time when you think that everything is finished; that will be the beginning." I don't really understand what that is supposed to mean right now…but, maybe…maybe…one day I will. Or maybe I'm not supposed to at all.

One day…one day in the future…things will get better….they will get better.

…_We must move backwards to move ahead…_


End file.
